


Magical Menagerie

by GordandV



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Super Sons (Comics)
Genre: Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 06:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19388191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GordandV/pseuds/GordandV
Summary: “So just to make this absolutely clear, the bottom line is that you need someone who is pure and graceful to tame a unicorn. Right?”“Purity isn’t a metaphor for goodness."Diana seeks assistance to rescue a unicorn. It is harder than expected to find help for this mission, and brings to light an unexpected secret for Damian and Jon.





	Magical Menagerie

“So just to make this absolutely clear, the bottom line is that you need someone who is pure and graceful to tame a unicorn. Right?”

Diana nods once in the direction of Jason who looks equal measures of skeptical and confused. “Yes.”

Jason hums thoughtfully as he reaches behind his head and sits back as his face relaxes. “Well, I’m out.” He sounds disappointed but not overly so.

“Ditto,” echoes Dick dully as he slumps forward onto the table. “Damn, I would have loved to see an actual unicorn too.”

“You don’t have to be a maiden?” Tim asks slowly.

“No, the idea of maidens taming unicorns was merely to make tales during the Renaissance more fantastic,” Diana replies confidently. “So long as a soul is pure and graceful a unicorn will lose its wild nature and lay itself before that soul’s feet.”

The tongue click by Damian echoes loudly in the cave. “I understand why you, Todd, would be unfit for this mission, but I fail to see why Grayson could not tame a unicorn if all you must be is pure and graceful. Despite his shortcomings, he fits both of these qualities perfectly.”

“Aw, Damian, thank you,” coos Dick as he settles his head on his arms and leans forward more to look around Jason. “I appreciate you supporting me as a unicorn tamer, but I think you’re misunderstanding an itty-bitty little thing.” He lifts one hand and puts an inch of space between his forefinger and thumb. “Just a smidgen.”

“Purity isn’t a metaphor for goodness,” Bruce says lowly, and that seems to trigger something.

“Aw man, I’m out too then,” huffs Tim, looking sour as he folds his arms. “No fair.”

“I fail to understand what the problem is.” Damian stands up and puts his hands down on the table that they have all squished on one side of to give Diana a proper audience.

“Someone tell him or I will,” warns Jason as he cranes over the back of his chair with his laced hands pushing outwards, palms to the ceiling.

“You have to be a virgin, Damian,” Dick explains in his sweetest, most teasing tone. “You know, pure.”

“And me, Dick, Tim, and obviously your dad do not fit that criteria,” adds Jason before he adds on distractedly, “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be a virgin so badly before. Damn.”

“I had hopes that more than one of you would be able to assist me in this mission, but I know Damian is a fine warrior,” Diane says happily. “I could not ask for a better partner. You will allow him to join me, won’t you, Bruce?”

“You could have just asked for him outright,” Bruce drawls, though one side of his mouth is just barely uplifted in the closest thing he’d ever get to smiling during what was essentially mission preparation.

Diana can’t help but break into a grin. “I would not have dared to make any assumptions on anyone’s purity, except your own, of course.”

“I do not think I am qualified candidate for this mission.” The chair under Damian creaks as he hastily sits down, folds his hands on his lap, and looks at his knees. “I apologize, Diana, that your trip here has been wasted.”

“You’re turning down the chance at save an actual unicorn?” Tim gasps. “It’s a unicorn!”

“You love animals,” Jason accuses. “And it’s a freakin’ unicorn, seriously. Even I want in on this.”

“Damian, I’m surprised,” says Bruce quietly, though only Dick stays quiet. He stares at Damian as the boy fairly squirms under all the gazes. Even Diana seems taken back and too stunned to say anything, no doubt having assumed when she asked for the meeting she would get the assistance she needed. A human she trusted enough to rescue an ancient wild beast was not a long list to be on, nevertheless with such specific parameters.

“You don’t want to help?” murmurs Dick, watching as Damian’s shoulders hitch up to his ears. He tips his head just enough to catch Dick’s gaze and he looks absolutely ashamed of himself.

“I…can’t,” is the whispered, almost fearful response.

“Can’t, or won’t?”

“Can’t.”

Dick blinks a few times over Tim and Jason’s whining as Damian starts to bite into his lower lip. It’s a far cry from when he’d never show a single emotion when upset, though at times like this Dick almost wishes he couldn’t see how much the boy was hurting. Before he can ask what’s wrong Bruce gasps. It’s soft, like a whisper of wings in the night, and then Bruce is standing up and slamming his hands onto the table. It makes everyone, even Diana, jump.

“Who,” growls Bruce, glaring at Damian who ducks his head down further.

“Father I-”

“Damian, I am not playing games with you.”

Tim is the second to realize the situation but unlike Bruce who digs his fingertips in the wood he starts to laugh. “Oh man, talk about a surprise. Wow, Damian, wow.”

“I don’t…oh…” Jason looks at Bruce who is practically seething then at Damian who curls up even further. “Oh, shit.” Damian would do anything to save a unicorn, up to and including even murder by Jason’s standards. The only reason he wouldn’t would be when he literally couldn’t.

Jason laughs just once as he leans forward and blocks both Dick and Bruce’s views. “Who punched your v-card, Demon Brat?”

At that statement Dick rears back and slaps his hands over his mouth with wide, horrified eyes. His chair falls to the floor as he gets to his feet.

“Damian,” he starts slowly. “Tell me you didn’t.”

“Who do we know that could be brave enough to pop that cherry,” asks Jason, delighted as could be as he racks his brain. “Do a horizontal mambo. Make-”

“Jason, enough,” snaps Bruce. “Damian, who.”

Tim wipes under his eyes and tries to catch his breath. “I am so blind, oh my god. I can’t believe I fell for it, too!”

The chaos continues as Diana watches, helpless, as Dick starts to go off on what seems to be some type of pre-planned speech about losing virginity while Jason demands what Tim apparently fell for.

“Isn’t it obvious who Damian slept with?” Tim asks as his shakes his hands a bit then pushes back his hair.

“Drake, I am warning you,” hisses Damian.

“No, enlighten us,” says Jason with a big smile as Bruce’s nails finally tear through the wood and start to leave little grooves.

“Jon Kent, and it wasn’t too long ago either. It was a few weeks ago, right, Damian?” Tim half asks, half mocks. “With the racoon?”

“Racoon?” Dick chokes. “What racoon?”

“When Jon stayed with us that weekend when Clark and Lois were doing their yearly honeymoon thing, I found him patching some scratches on Damian’s back. They looked like what Bruce is doing now to the table. I asked what happened, Jon said a racoon. I bought it, hook, line, and sinker.”

Damian growls lowly. “You are dead to me, Drake.”

Tim sticks his tongue out at Damian. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Jonathan Kent,” repeats Bruce. “Damian, you did not sleep with him under my roof. You did not betray my trust when you swore there was nothing going on between you two.”

“Princess, always love to see you, but maybe we could have you back some other time?” Jason asks sweetly. “Normally I wouldn’t care who sees the family drama, but I have a feeling this one is going to get _really_ ugly.”

“Thank you for your time,” Diana says somewhat faintly before Bruce and Damian start screaming at each other. She walks herself to the zeta tube and looks over her shoulder to see Tim and Dick physically holding back Bruce while Jason looks on as Damian shrinks away.

“Men,” she sighs under her breath, though to be fair it really is just these men more than others she doesn’t fully comprehend. The trip to the Watchtower gives her enough time to decide that while it is not her place, she would herself like a warning had she been in the same situation. Her message to Superman is short, and rather cryptic as she tells him to keep his son close as Batman may make an unexpected visit.

* * *

“Okay, so I’ve called this meeting to-”

“Tim, this is not a meeting,” Jason interrupts. A bit of his milkshake escapes from the side of his mouth and he hastily swipes with the side of his wrist. “We all decided to get late night milkshakes. That is the only reason we all are together. Well, that, and we wanted to make Jon really, really uncomfortable with the fact that we know he and Damian have fucked. Again, kudos to you, baby Supes.”

Jason lifts his milkshake with red and white striped straw upwards. He can’t help but grin as Jon curls one arm over his head in obvious embarrassment though the other hand lifts his own milkshake upwards in acknowledgment. The hand with the milkshake gets slapped down by Damian.

“Don’t encourage him.”

“Hey, no domestic violence in my presence,” Dick warns with a wagging finger as Tim huffs.

“Fine, we came out for milkshakes, but we can be productive anyways,” he says firmly. “Diana needs a human for her unicorn mission. Between the five of us we have to know someone who is pure and graceful and could team-up with Wonder Woman.”

“I’d just like to make it clear our youngest and most predictable selectees are out because they did the dirty under Bruce’s roof,” hums Jason. He almost drops his milkshake when Damian punches his side with an audible hiss.

“I will take my leave if you cannot hold your tongue.”

“I don’t know anyone could help that isn’t a civilian,” Jon offers loudly, likely to distract from the teasing.

“Dick, you’re a social butterfly, you have to know someone,” Tim says hopefully as he forgoes his straw for a plastic spoon. “What about Wally?”

Dick chokes a bit and splutters for a few seconds. His face is red and flushed as he pulls at his hair. “Me and KF have a history…”

“A history,” Tim repeats slowly.

“I could have told you that, Timmy,” says Jason merrily. “What about the archer, Artemis?”

“She and KF are a thing, and not that discrete,” replies Dick.

“Zatanna,” suggests Jon.

Tim shakes his head. “She’s deep into magic which Diana thinks unicorns hate, along with aliens and Amazons. We need a human, no bells or whistles.”

“I have a history with Zatanna,” Dick admits quietly.

“Dick, all yours friends are hos,” Jason concludes about five minutes later without a single name of someone pure and graceful. “They’re either fucking you or fucking each other.”

“I’m alarmed at how informed Dick is about their sexual history,” Tim mutters darkly.

Dick gasps. “Okay, one, a lot of that was in the past, and I can’t exactly un-fuck someone. Two…well look, some boundaries just don’t exist when you do what we do. We’re all very open about our partners.”

The group lapses into a somewhat sulky silence until Jon reaches the last of his milkshake and nosily slurps the rest up. He dabs at his mouth then bites at his lip and only then realizes that everyone is staring at him. He swallows nervously.

“Um, sorry.”

“We should use Jon,” Damian announces. “He is the best choice we are left with. Perhaps the unicorn will overlook his purity and accept him anyways. I am sure his pure heart can make up for anything else.”

“Jon is half-alien and a slut; he’s double out,” deadpans Jason. “If anything we should use you, though I have a feeling the unicorn won’t like someone with your body count.”

“I am not a slut!” yelps Jon after another moment. “Take it back!”

“Jason be nice, you can only be a slut if you have a lot of sex,” Dick corrects.

Jason laughs. “What, like you? Dick, you are a Grade-A ho.”

“Then so is Tim!”

“Oh no, don’t drag me in this fight,” snaps Tim. “Jon is out, but maybe we should consider Damian anyways. When the last time anyone has seen a unicorn? Maybe it’s viewpoints have you know, changed with the times.”

Damian stares then blinks. “Drake, that is by far the stupidest thing I have ever had the displeasure of hearing you say.”

“Maybe he has a point,” says Jon quickly. “I mean, the lore could be wrong, right?”

* * *

“The lore was wrong,” Damian announces over his comm as he strokes the unicorn’s flat cheek. The creature, pure white with a faint glow in the poorly light warehouse, lays at his feet with lidded eyes. Its horn is a solid gold color and sparkles with each breath the creature takes. The lion tail tipped with a tuft of fur twitches gently across the floor. “I have tamed the beast.”

“Good,” comes Diana’s voice. “Get out of there, Robin.”

“Creature, I would like to ride you to rub my peers’ faces in it,” Damian speaks to the unicorn with a feeling that the animal will understand him. “Would you do me this favor?”

The unicorn shifts in a way that clearly offers its back. Damian grins and despite his eagerness, gingerly mounts up. His bare hands wrap into the silky mane as the unicorn stands with a grace no normal horse could muster. Cloven hooves clip on the warehouse floor and Damian bounces just a bit as he directs the creature with the softest of pressure from his hands.

“No fucking way,” Jason murmurs as Robin riding a unicorn comes out of the warehouse. “No fucking way.”

“I want a turn,” Tim mutters, jealousy obvious.

“Focus,” says Bruce as Diana beams.

“Excellent work, Robin,” she praises as the unicorn breaks into a smooth canter to where they wait. The creature seems completely unbothered as it stands before them as Robin dismounts. It whickers lowly as Robin strokes along its neck and backs away when Red Robin reaches out a cautious hand.

Damian coos lowly at the unicorn which eventually calms then butts its head into Red Robin’s hand.

“I’m touching a unicorn,” Tim breathes, sounding close to tears.

“Which I tamed,” Damian adds proudly.

“Batman, try your hand,” says Diana softly. “I want to see how it accepts you.”

Batman grunts a bit and doesn’t move though it’s clear he’s watching as Red Hood approaches.

“Batman.”

“No.”

“Do it for the lore,” whispers Red Robin eagerly.


End file.
